the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
