Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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