I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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