you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I won't apologize to a one balled man
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
