Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
