this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize