my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
