it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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