So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My life is pants optional.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
