I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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