In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
