I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
