Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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