I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
