listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize