I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm passing your future prison.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
