Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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