She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
