my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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