He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
