just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
