Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
A bitchslap is in order.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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