My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
