Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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