I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize