He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
