Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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