There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
