if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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