party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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