so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
