Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
