Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize