she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize