wrigley field is MILF paradise
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i came on her dog
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
