I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
