Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
