She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
