He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
