News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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