Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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