he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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