when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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