I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
