I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
