If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
