Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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