just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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