I hate your face
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
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