how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
