Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
