You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize