Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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