I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
