Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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